Fairly Certain I’m Out

Given the Complete Radio Silence I’ve had from my uterus in the first half of this two week wait, I’m 99.9% certain I’m out this month. I know my body so well by now (and have been pregnant so many times, sigh), that I just kind of know when it hasn’t worked.

Not a single twinge or cramp at all, boobs are still asleep, so nothing is going on in there.

Had a big chat with DH last night about it all. The length of time we’ve been trying, my impending 40th birthday, how everyone keeps asking me what I’ll be doing for my 40th (peeing on a stick, probably), etc. etc.

All highly depressing.

I’m actually angry at my body for failing this month – I really thought it was going to work. I really, really thought this was going to be it.

Now I feel like I’ve been conned.

Anyway, DH suggested I try soy isoflavones (natures clomid, right?). I’ve avoided this for 2.5 years because I didn’t think it would help me, but to be honest doing what I am doing isn’t helping me, so why the hell not?

DH’s reasoning is that maybe a push for ovulation, especially if we got >1 egg, would increase the chances – kind of like two months condensed into one. Maybe one of those eggs would be a good one, rather than having to wait each month for just one egg (that in all likelihood is a crap one).

Yeah, I’m not sure about the logic either, but what the hell.

So, off I go to the internet, and I’ve ordered some high quality, non-gmo soy isoflavones this morning (from Solgar), ready to use next cycle.

BIG SIGH.

In other news, we have decided to ask for vegetable gardening things (raised beds, trowels, organic compost) from all our relatives for Christmas because next year we are going to grow as much of our own as we can (in our teeny, tiny back garden). I’m very excited about the prospect of growing something (since growing a baby seems to be impossible), and kind of like the idea of all that fertile soil and lush green produce that I’m hoping we’re going to get. Hell, I’m even thinking of setting up a worm farm.

Halfway Through The TWW. Or Maybe Not.

It should be 7dpo today, but I’ve increasingly felt that wasn’t quite right (it was Fertility Friend’s calculated date). I went back to my chart and had another look at my notes and I think it is a day out. Two reasons: I had ovulation pain the day after (and it always stops straight after O), and I had a temp dip at 5dpo, but most cycles I get a pronounced dip at 4dpo. Something to do with the way my body works I guess.

Anyway, I settled on manual override yesterday and set ovulation day to the 20th August, so I am 6dpo today and not 7dpo.

I’m a bit miserable about it as this cycle is already taking FOREVER.

Not only that, but it was DS2’s 3rd birthday at the weekend and I had the usual family stress to deal with. My own family wanted to visit at a different time of day to my in-laws, so we had people over from 9am to 9pm. That aside, my mum’s short term memory loss seems to be getting really bad and I’m worried she’s going to need to move into a care home environment. Things with my Dad have been a little strained and everyone in my family forgot our wedding anniversary (is that normal? I don’t even know whether to be offended).

I am so sad of always being disappointed by my parents not behaving like ‘proper’ parents. I know this rests with me and I need to remove my expectations, but it’s hard.

On top of that my oldest starts school – proper infant school – next week and I am feeling tearful and emotional.

It is such a huge milestone, like the end of my motherhood boot camp, and I wish I’d done some some things better and some things different and I’m worried about the friends he’ll make, how good his teacher will be, will they see his strengths, and all the usual stuff that probably every mother worries about when her first goes off to school.

And of course, it makes it so, so apparent that I have failed to create the close-aged family I dreamed of (I wanted them all at home before the oldest went to school).

Sigh – anyway, gotta go, my mother-in-law is calling round this morning. Will write more soon.

Is It Really Only 4dpo?

I didn’t intend to write so much during this two week wait, but for some reason it seems particularly agonising.

I can’t work out if it’s just because I haven’t got much else to do (which actually isn’t true, but school hols means I’m spending most of my time being ‘just’ a mummy).

Or if it’s because I have this feeling that it’s going to work this month (just like I did last month, ha ha).

Well, today I’ve been gazing at my Fertility Friend chart and telling myself that charts tell you nothing.

I’ve had triphasic, I’ve had high temps, I’ve had all sorts and still had BFNs.

But if you compare THIS month with my DECEMBER chart (when I got pregnant and it lasted just over 10 weeks), it looks like this:

chartcompare

That similarity is just a TOTAL COINCIDENCE.

I know that.

I’ve looked at it and gone, YEAH WHATEVER.

I have.

I really have.

Is it still only 4dpo?

Sigh.

Obsessing

I know I’m obsessing, because I find myself randomly googling for things like “late first trimester miscarriage” and “natural pregnancy at 39″.

Things are obviously on my mind.

I found a statistic today, from the Miscarriage Association:

A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%.

I had a heartbeat at 10 weeks 4 days.

So, I was in the 0.6% (last time).

Fucking statistics.

I think this is all playing on my mind because other people seem to be having babies and (the thing I dread the most) announcing pregnancies everywhere at the moment. Actually, who am I kidding? It’s been like this since we started trying back in 2012.

Eugh. I really just want to get away from myself when I’m like this.

Over-thinking everything. Over-analysing.

I’ve always been too much of a thinker.

I wish I had womb-cam so I could see what was going on in there.

I thought about joining a group in the two week wait on Fertility Friend, but then they’ll probably all get BFPs and send me into a spiral of self-pity. I’ve stayed well away from the forums there for the best part of this year.

I don’t even really know why I’m writing this, other than because it makes me feel like I’m somehow doing something about waiting to see if I’m pregnant.

I might just go and do a pregnancy test, out of sheer mindless boredom and stupidity. Then I’ll have a nice negative baseline ready for next week. Ha ha ha.

I really need to get out more.

The 21st Two Week Wait

I’m 3 days into Yet Another Two Week Wait.

I’m feeling surprisingly good about all this trying and waiting. It’s almost like the coinciding of my last miscarriage with my coeliac diagnosis has wiped the slate clean. I really believe that I am now capable of having a healthy pregnancy, it’s just a case of catching a good egg.

And I know, at 39, I’m pretty damn lucky to be able to repeatedly get pregnant (even if they don’t stick around, ha ha).

So, I’m going to test early in a few days time, because In a weird way I find it more reassuring to catch a brief pregnancy that doesn’t stick than to have a big fat nothing.

Got a good feeling about this month though. A goooooooood feeling!!!

CD14 And A Positive OPK

I’ve been having quite bad ovulation pain this month, so I thought it was imminent, but it’s held out until today. I finally got a positive OPK overnight.

I say finally – it is only CD14. I tend to O on or before CD14, so it felt like a bit of a wait.

I actually have nothing at all to share apart from the rather uninspiring news of my positive OPK, but I just wanted to write a post anyway.

It’s two years this weekend since my (let’s get this right), first miscarriage after my second baby.

The really big miscarriage where I almost bled to death and nobody called or visited me afterwards.

This time last year (on the one year anniversary), I was, to be quite frank, a total emotional mess.

And in that post I wrote:

What if someone told me today that this time next year I still would not be pregnant.

Fucking hell. It really has been a whole year, and not only am I still not fucking pregnant, but I have another late first trimester miscarriage to add to the body count.

Do you find that the drop off in oestrogen after you ovulate makes you miserable?

I do. I get two brief rounds of “PMT” each month. One immediately after ovulation, and one a day or two before my period.

It’s shit.

So, I guess I’ve got an egg either on the way out, or freshly emerged floating around in my fallopian tube right now.

And that egg is going to be fertilised, because most of the time that happens without any problem.

Yep.

That egg is going to be fertilised the second it emerges if it hasn’t been already, since DH and I have already ensured half a billion sperm have had a chance to get into the venue.

I’ll be doing a highly scientific early testing protocol this month. Ha.

Cause it only takes one good egg. Right?

Magic and Miracles

A long time ago, about a year into my 3rd baby quest, I remember reading a comment on a fertility forum from a fellow ttc-er that said she had resorted to having a spell cast because everything else had failed. She admitted it was crazy, but she did it anyway.

She has long since gotten pregnant and left this lonely road, so maybe it did help in some way, even if it was just the belief that it would.

Well, today is our wedding anniversary and we are off out to dinner (woo!). And today is also the 6 year anniversary of the conception of our first pregnancy. Yep, I got pregnant the night we got married. Sadly, I miscarried at 6 weeks 4 days.

But today, I am due to ovulate.

Exactly six years after our first pregnancy, I’m now seeking our last pregnancy.

And wouldn’t it just be magical if it was meant to be this month? That we might somehow conceive a healthy third child 6 years to the day after we started trying for our first?

We’ve booked the restaurant that we went to the night we conceived DS1.

If I get anymore superstitious I’m going to be bordering on crazy…

Learning From Failure

Failure.

I hate that word.

Always have.

And recurrent pregnancy loss. That’s like failure too.

So what can we do in the face of failure?

We damn well pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves down and we get out there and bloody well carry on.

THAT has been my opinion my whole life.

But I forgot a step – because there’s something else you have to do in the face of failure, and that is LEARN FROM IT.

Doh!

I forgot that part! So many times! From crappy boyfriend to crappy boyfriend, from bad choice to bad choice, I forgot that you have to take away a LESSON!! Failure is all about a lesson, and at the grand old age of 39 I think I am finally GETTING it.

I fell off my healthy eating plan.

And I feel like crap x 2 because of it:

1. Because now I’ve given my body crappy food to eat when I am trying to grow healthy eggs, and

2. Because actually, eating crap food makes me feel like crap! It does!

Sigh.

On a more moderate note, life conspired a little bit and I just caved. On day 12 (when I was feeling so blo*dy brilliant from how well I’d been eating and exercising), I noticed I was getting little pimples again – since (by the books recommendation that I’d been following), I upped my dairy intake to two servings a day instead of one.

And that got me thinking about the time I went vegan and how, despite the sickness and bloating and pain (from all the gluten I was consuming), my skin was the clearest it’s ever been. And then I thought about the time as a teenager I had a terrible case of cystic acne and finally linked it to the nightly glass of hot milk I’d started having before bed. And then I thought about how I’d f*cked up my healthy-eating-90-day-amazing-eggs plan by not realising that there is something in dairy – even non-cows dairy – that my body doesn’t like.

So once I thought that my diet wasn’t 100% perfect anymore… well, it seemed like I’d wasted all that effort. So then I ate a load of chocolate from the cupboard that my mum had bought for the kids. And then I had a gluten-free pizza for dinner.

And how did I feel?

SICK.

I felt so sick.

I went to bed with a distended stomach and nausea and it was still there in the morning.

I intended to get right back to eating well, but the next day, I got all depressed about some crappy behaviour in my family (my brother not coming to see the boys after 8 MONTHS of being in hospital because he had to buy a PS4 game that day, my Dad skirting the issue of attending DS2’s birthday because he’s probably busy doing something with his girlfriend’s family), and so I had more chocolate.

And I felt sick again.

And yesterday I had a hot chocolate and a few pick and mix sweets.

So all-in-all, it’s not like I’ve gone off the deep end, but I feel so yuk for eating stuff that basically does nothing for my body.

So, I thought it was time to learn some lessons:

  1. Dairy doesn’t like me. Even though I love it. It just doesn’t like me. I don’t have to never eat it, but I should be fully aware that it is crap for my skin.
  2. Sugar really DOES make me feel like sh*t. No matter how much I love the taste, it will never make me feel good other than for the 10 seconds that I am actually eating it.
  3. I have a serious sugar addiction, and really need to face up to trying to moderate my consumption of it.
  4. I really DO feel amazing when I commit to eating really well. Like – really amazing.

So there we go.

I’m about to ovulate and I’ve poured chocolate down my throat.

Hopes for this month?

Still  hoping.

GODAMMIT I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BABY IS THAT REALLY SO BLOODY DIFFICULT?

Day 11/90 Falling In LOVE With Exercise

Something has happened. In the space of a few short days I have gone from desperate irritability to sunshiney happiness.

Something else has happened. I am loving exercise. I am looking forward to it, enjoying it while I do it, feeling great afterwards and just loving that feeling that I am making my body stronger and healthier every time I move it. Glorious!

I did a yoga-based class at 8pm last night, and I had the creche booked for a 9am gym session this morning. I haven’t been able to exercise like this for years – literally years. The tiredness, the aching, the muscle-soreness – it all just added up and stopped me from doing anything of any real intensity for any duration.

But somehow, something about completely cutting out sugar (including fruit and grains) and eating a TON of protein and fat, has changed not only my energy levels to be more consistent, but it has allowed me to recover within hours of an exercise session.

Before now, every time I did anything, I would be wiped out for the rest of the day. Exhausted on the sofa. Too tired to do anything. The next two days I would mope about with sore muscles.

Now, when I exercise, I am fine. By bedtime, I don’t feel any different to how I do on a day where I don’t exercise. I am recovering incredibly well.

I wonder if perhaps all these body-builders with their protein obsessions are actually spot-on, because I have run, weight-lifted, yoga-posed and swam from a cold start over the last 11 days and I haven’t had anything more than the mildest muscle soreness as a result. I feel so strong and healthy – and I’ve only just started! I have never felt like this when I’ve started exercising after a break.

I’m thinking about booking some one-to-one sessions so I can get to grips with the free weights. I am thinking I could actually, for the first time in my life, exercise 5+ times a week without having to give up from sheer exhaustion.

It is amazing.

And I am so excited to see where I’ll be in a month, or two months, and how my body will morph into something leaner and stronger than it currently is.

Who would have thought that this would be a side effect of eating the way I am?

Lunaception – Month 2

moon

So, the theory is I should ovulate at the full moon (which is what our ancestors would have done).

I now leave the curtains open 3 nights of the month (the full moon and the night before and after).

Month one:

Full moon fell on days 5,6,7 of my cycle. I ovulated really late that month (CD17), which is very rare for me. So, ovulation was 11 days out.

Month two:

Full moon fell on days 4,5,6 of my cycle. Awaiting ovulation…